Anubium's Jokes

[Anubium]

Contrary to popular belief, I have a great sense of humor and laughter is enjoyed.

How many babies does it take to paint a barn?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

How many babies does it take to wallpaper a room?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

[Grail]

Sick but funny -giggles-

[Anubium]

Some more jokes. Laugh. Its not like any of you are religious you dirty heathens.

A rabbi got onto a plane and took the last seat available, surrounded by Muslims. There was an uncomfortable silence, but the rabbi took off his shoes and settled in for the flight.

After takeoff, there were several minutes of whispers and note passing. The rabbi broke the ice. "I'm getting a Coke. Can I get you all a Coke, too?"

While he was gone, the Muslims each spit in his shoes. He returned with the drinks and the rest of the flight was more relaxed. As the plane landed, the rabbi put on his shoes and realized at once what had happened.

"When?" he cried, "will we stop spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"
==============================================
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
==============================================
Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
==============================================
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...

Then all the other bells started to ring.
==============================================
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"


If you aren't offended, then you aren't reading.

[vallen]

I have learned a few things today:

1. I had no clue you had a sense of humor.
2. I had no clue your sense of humor was so twisted.

Then again, who's isnt.

-Vallen

[Anubium]

Not sure how much longer it will be on since this site alternates their shows every few days usually, taking the old ones down the list and new ones at top. If it is gone from the front page you can check on the side menu on top right under "Funny Clips" for Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket.

badjojo.com/daily/video.php?var=6.06.23/08.wmv

[Anubium]

A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazyas this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses rushed into the room. " What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I dunno. I guess she choked."


Also every single episode of Blockhead from www.theswain.com

Senseless comedy. I don't know why because I consider myself at least a slightly intelligent person...but this random, pointless, comedy is probably my favorite kind. Try it.

[Grail]

I like the last joke a lot, thanks for the pick me up Anubium.